I hope we did the right thing by putting our cat to sleep

Yesterday we had to make perhaps the most difficult decision we as a family ever had to make. We put our 18 year old cat to sleep. I am just hoping we made the right decision. He was a very good cat and very strong. He was a tank. Time and time again Mitzie overcame the odds and survived. This time however, we had to come to grips that is was time. Mitzie was an old cat and started having kidkey failure about 15 months ago. We took her to the Veterinarian and re hydrated her but the Veterinarian said this process would only prolong her for a few months. But he always seemed to last longer. 

He wasn't the same though for a long time. He past few years he would develop this disturbing deep and overdecorated moan. It was very predictable. He would start but somehow had trouble continuing this moan and would pause and after a few attempts he would finish. We had asked the Veterinarian about this and they said it was probably nothing. Our cat was spoiled so I thought maybe he was just crying to get food. I really don't know. Maybe he was in pain. 

We took him to the Veterinarian on Tuesday and we found out he had throat cancer. The Veterinarian said there was a huge lesion on the top ridge of his mouth that was now a hole red and raw. This could explain why we would eat less. His eating habits changed over the years and he had lost alot of weight. When we were younger I would put peanut butter in the palm of my hands and let him lick it off my hands. I would do this now and he just seemed less interested. The Veterinarian said back in December he found that lesion in his mouth but didn't think it was cancerous.

The past few months we had to put down little rugs all over the house because Mitzi e would always throw up. He just started to lose control of his bowel movements and would urinate and poop not in his liter box. This just started all so quickly. I Knew something was wrong. Perhaps the most telling sign was Tuesday night when he woke me up in the middle of the night because he was bumping into the walls because he couldn't walk straight. He would zigzag his legs and he fell on his belly with all four spread out and the poor thing couldn't even get back up on his own strength. I knew it was time.

We took him to the Veterinarian Wednesday morning to put him asleep. Watching him get injected was probably the most painful thing I ever had to watch. The thing that worries me was as Mitzi e was injected he was crying. I just fear that somehow he was telling us that he wasn't ready to go and didn't want the injection. This is what I am grieving over the most. My sister was crying and the Veterinarian looked into her eyes and said in a fishy way to her that he has cancer and has to go. I couldn't help but get a weird vibe off that. Like he was fed up with us trying to always prolong our cats life and just wanted to put him to sleep. He was very pushy about putting Mitzi e to sleep on Tuesday when he told us he had cancer but we wanted more time with him. I wanted to stop the whole process but I didn't want to look like a fool.

I know Mitzi e wasn't right and he had alto of symptoms but this cat was a tank. I just think maybe he was just sick and was telling us its only temporary and he will bounce back and didn't want the injection. Hes been like that his whole life. The thing that makes me sad is I wasn't the nicest to him over the last part of his life. I became frustrated with him even though I know it wasn't his fault. Mitzi e just couldn't react normally anymore to things. I would open the door and he would just plant himself behind it and I would incidentally strike him often times breaking things. I would often times step on him when he would plant himself around my feet and drop and break things. I would get so upset at him and I felt horrible cause I Knew it wasn't his fault. I loved him but I grew frustrated. I would often times push him to the side with force because he was always in my way. I regret this.

Before we put him asleep I had a chance to hold him and tell him to his face that I am sorry for everything and that I loved him. I never felt so emotional in my life I am even crying as I am writing this. I just hope we did the right thing. I hope we didn't deny him yet another opportunity to bounce back like he always did before.

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How do I ever get over losing my Ben

On sunday i had to say goodbye to my beloved Staffordshire Bull Terrier of nearly thirteen years, the pain i am feeling is undescribable.Ben came to me when he was nearly 5 months old, My friend brought him and his brother when they were 8 weeks with the intention of bringing them up together. 

Right from the first day of me meeting them Ben choose me, as soon as i entered the house he would be on my knee and licking my face, my friend said that when i was due to come over Ben would sit on the window sill waiting for me.

As they got older his brother became the dominant dog and started to pick on him, this was when my friend asked would i consider taking Ben , there was no hesitation on my part, as far as i was concerned he had already made his mind up, so i took this bundle of love home. I had lost my mum 3 years before and Ben helped ease my pain. From day one he fitted into my life like it was ment to be, he slept next to me and was never more than one pace behind. He grew into a dog that loved evryone and everything, anyone who met him fell instantly in love.

He helped me through alot of hard times and i was never more at ease than when i was cuddled up to him.

Ben develpoed epilepsy at the age of 5 but we managed and although the Veterinarian told me at the time that he wouldn't live past the age of 8 or 9 i was determined to love him more no matter what the cost.

My gran bless her used to laugh at him and say ' he's not a dog he's like a child' she couldn't have been more right. Last year i met my new partner, one problem he didn't like dogs, i remeber telling him get used to it or find someone else because Ben gets put aside for no one.

Within 2 months Ben was as much a part of his life as he was mine, when we moved in together Ben became our baby who we loved unconditionally. On Sunday i spent the day, just me and Ben and i remember telling him how he was mummys special little boy, when my partner came in from work we sat down to have dinner and Ben got on his blanket with his bone (as he always did) Ben then started to wretch and i immediatley thought he'd got it stuck in his throat, i tried to open his mouth to see if i could see anything, after an hour i decided to call the Veterinarian because i was worried that if it went any lower it would restrict his airways, they asked me to bring him in, when we got there the Veterinarian was more interested in the shape of his belly, i laughed and said he's always been a little pot belly (although he had lost a lot of weight recently).

The Veterinarian examined him and said he could feel something in his belly which didn't feel good, at this point i was getting angry i hadn't fetched him in because of that so why were they concerned. After discussing things they said they would x-ray him so they could see if anything was stuck and assess what was in his belly. At this point i was on my knees with him telling him to be a good boy and that mummy would be waiting for him (he hated the vets) as i walked out the door i turned round and he was looking up at me with his big brown eyes and saying goodbye mum ( this will haunt me forever). We waited outside and then the Veterinarian called us back in, he put the x-rays up and poor Bens body was full of tumours.

The Veterinarian said that he didn't know how he'd managed this long with all them and certainly within the next 6 months that he would be in a great deal of pain and suffering, he then advised that given his current state the kindest option would be to let him go whilst he was asleep from the anathestic.

There was one thing i always stated that i would never let my little boy suffer. In my confused state of mind i agreed and as he passed i held on to him while my world fell apart. Now i can't forgive myself, 'what if he hadn't had his bone' 'What if i just took him home' 'What if he was scared without his mum' 'What if he wasn't ready to go' 'What if i hadn't took him to the vets'. Now i'm not sure how to carry on with my life, it feels so empty, i close my eyes and i see him looking up at me, i go to bed at night and can't sleep because i can't hear him snoring on his bed next to mine.

The flat seems so empty and i ache to hear him pattering about. I would give anything just to hold him and say goodbye once again. Everyone that knew Ben has said that he couldn't have been more loved by anyone and that fate plays a hand in these things, and taht now he knew that i was happy and settled he choose his time.I just wish i could belive that but at the moment i feel that i made the wrong decision and i let him down when he needed me most and i don't think i can ever forgive myself.

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10 Tips on how to deal with pet loss

Loosing a pet is very much like loosing a "human" loved one, and sometimes it is actually more intense. I myself have recently lost my Schnauzer of 9 years to lymphoma cancer, and strangely enough, it hit me much harder then my Father's death! I loved my father too... But a pet's love is much different, a complete other side to your soul, a basic but strong bond... In my case it was like she was my child, my "little girl", as I would call her. When I lost my sweet Betsy I felt a deep hurt that I had never before felt in my life, (and I am in my late 40s too). I have suffered loss before, but not like this.. it never impacted me like this before, never... The dogs I grew up with hurt me when they passed, but not like this, not even close... Why? I don't know.. really,.. the bond that we shared was very strong, unusual I guess... I protected her from harm, NEVER let her outside without a leash, always worried over her health, diet, everything. I pampered her and loved her. She slept on a pillow beside my head nearly every night of her life..

Bitsy was my "peace" in this world, she was my best friend and she returned my love with an unmistakable, strong loyalty and devotion that anyone who knew us could sense immediately, and has been observed frequently. The details of her fight with lymphoma cancer are in my signature, so I will not go over it again. When Bitsy passed it was literally the worst day of my life. The pain still haunts me. But I do not regret our time together, even though the pain is strong, it was worth it.Plays in my head sometimes, forcing me to stop feeling so sad, but instead, think of, and remember the good times, I play them in my mind sometimes with my eyes closed... But the bed is empty where she sleeps, the stuffed toys (her babies) are safe from being mauled, the sound of the doorbell no longer inspires urgent, excited barking... 

1. Are we silly or crazy to grieve so strongly? 

No we are not. It is a human response, to a very real emotion. It goes beyond social acceptance, it steams from our very core, our instincts to love and embrace that which is good in the world. Do not be swayed by anyone implying you are "weak or sentimental" or any other negative detraction, it is normal and expected to grieve when you loose someone you love, even if they have four feet. 

2. What can I expect? How will I feel? 

A valid question to ask yourself. Everyone deals with grief in their own way. Besides your sadness and sense of loss, you may experience the following emotions as well:

Fear - You may experience a "raw" fear, a fear of *permanently* loosing something very dear to you. A sort of panic sets in sometimes, like a chapter of your life, an important one, has just ended, and you are totally powerless to do anything about it, a very vulnerable feeling. A sad feeling like if this is for real, then rest of my life is profoundly changed forever... Irreversibility..

Denial - Some days you wake up thinking nothing has changed, you don't take up the bed, leave the food out, change the water, (wonder briefly why the water is and food is not diminishing). Waking in the morning and being puzzled not feeling your companion by your side...

Guilt - Did I do the right things? Fast enough? Did I spend as much time with her as I should have? Should I have more closely monitored and researched her treatment? Did I let her go too soon??? These things can haunt you...

Anger - It's not hard to shift blame. Consider one doctor more competent then the other. Blame the kennel or the handlers, even yourself... Anger at God and "life the universe and everything", is common.

Depression - This can hit you hard. Life was great, birds were "singing" (so to speak), everything was "right" in the world when your baby was there. Now however, things are different in a bad way, a very *mortal* way... Everything seems so fragile now, so temporary, dark thoughts and bad dreams are common as well as listlessness... This will pass, it is part of the grieving process.

All of the above is temporary. It is healthy to experience these things, no matter how hard they hurt, but it is NOT healthy to dwell indefinitely on these things. You cannot undo death. You too will also pass away. A portion, however small, of your grief steams from your own instinctive fear of death. All life is precious. Intelligence is not a valid indicator of worthiness for respect. 

3. What can I do about my feelings?

Don't feel guilty about feeling bad. Someone you loved has died. All creatures are "lives" in my opinion, ALL lives are precious. What you experienced was a real loss, like a family member, and can never truly be replaced. You WILL have several different feelings. (listed above). Only thing you can do is ride it out. What makes is easier for me is remembering the good times exclusively. I refuse to remember any "scolding" or negative memory. I make it my going to sleep "story" I play in my mind at night to help me sleep. 

Rejoicing that your baby lives on in your memory, knowing that you did a great service to a needy soul, realizing this does wonders making you feel better, and cope with your loss. 

4. Who can I talk to?

Everyone. You would be surprised as to how many people will relate to you. This very message board is a great place. It is a very real and human experience to loose someone we love, no matter the species. And DO talk to people. Nearly everyone has a "pet loss" story, and many love the chance to honor their departed by talking about them. So talk. Talk to anyone. It does help. 

5. When is the right time to say goodbye to your baby?

You are the number one authority on your pet's quality of life. Your Veterinarian however, is the best judge of it's health. Together with your Veterinarian, determine if it is "time". Most vets are *very* humane and will do their best to properly advise you, but they will not take matters into their own hands, the decision is ultimately yours to make. Some animals, including dogs and cats, will *hide* their pain. Pain and suffering is considered a weakness by other animals and it is their instinct to suppress it as much as possible. A dog or cat may display some sense of normalcy, doing things like playing occasionally, seeking out their owner for affection, many of the things that *normal* pets would do, but inside could be a very different story...

If your pet *must* undergo constant painful treatment, and sees a rapidly deteriorating condition, the time is near. Also consider the pet's age. An old pet will not only suffer from the illness it currently has, but will also suffer the effects of aging. A thing like cancer, compounded with arthritis, weak joints, poor digestion, eyesight, energy etc etc, can make it's life a hell on earth. You, as it's loving parent, protector and guardian, must make the tough decisions, remember, your pet cannot speak for itself, it relies on you.

Do *not* be selfish. Be brutally honest with yourself. Ask yourself, if the shoe was on the other foot, if *you* were old, ill and mute... unable to speak for yourself, would you want to continue with life in it's present condition? 

There is nothing you can do that is more loving for your pet then putting it in the hands of God and saying goodbye when it is time to do so. I would suggest that you make sure that you have exhausted all possible means of treatment AND your Veterinarian agrees with your decision. If you can treat it, but the treatment is expensive, find a way. Find a way, or it will haunt you.

Our pets are like children that never grow up, and never stop loving you. They are a life form as valuable in the grand scheme of things as you and I are. Treat them with the respect that is their birth right. 

6. Should I be present during the euthanasia?

If you can pull this off without going nuts and crying your heart out then yes. But if you feel you will be torn apart, that you might *loose it* then do NOT. They won't know "why" you are upset, they may feel they did something wrong and are about to be punished. Or you may just simply upset it from an emotional point of view. Animals are empathic to an extent, and will sometimes "share" your pain. The last moments of your pet's life are just that, "their" moments, not "yours". Most often the assistant to the Veterinarian, or the Veterinarian themselves, will comfort your pet in ways that you could not due to your pain.

When I had to have Bitsy, my schnauzer of nine years, put down, I went nuts. I was driving, talking on the cell phone for the hundredth time it seemed, with the Veterinarian about what to do next. He explained to me, as he had before, that it was "time"... I nearly wreaked my truck moments after I agreed when it hit me like a ton of bricks what I had actually consented to do... I was on my way to be with Bitsy during the euthanasia, but I had to stop, turn around and work my way home through my grief and avoid crashing into something. I was in no shape whatsoever to say goodbye, and I thank God, for Bitsy's sake, that I had the common sense to realize this. 

The nurse/assistant told me at a later date that she "showered" Bitsy with hugs and kisses, and that she died peacefully in her arms. I was never more thankful for the compassion of another human being as I was for her that day. I find it hard to write this, even now, months after Bitsy left me. No way I could have been present without rattling Bitsy. Being there would have been a truly selfish act.

If you have the strength and presence of mind to be there for your pet objectively, without upsetting it, then you have my undying respect, you are a much stronger person then me. If you are truly capable of being there without upsetting your pet, then by all means do it. If you make the decision to be there, be mindful of the fact it is "their" final moment, make it a good one, not one of fear and confusion. 

7. Do we bury our pets? How do we handle the remains. 

Handling your pet's remains is a personal decision. There are several options. You can retrieve the pet and bury it, but this can be VERY stressful and traumatic. Handling your pet's body is unnerving and you really don't want that memory in your head the rest of your life. (just my opinion). Sometimes the Veterinarian's office will dispose of your pet for you. I would not be too quick to do this either as it might make you feel guilty. We don't do this with people, and we treat our pet's like people, so there may be some inner conflict. I chose to let the Veterinarian's office handle the cremation of Bitsy. She sits in an urn in my office with a nice little brass plate, and her poem "Rainbow Bridge" beside her. This method of disposal gave me the most closure and peace. 

A funeral ceremony is used sometimes (we did not do this), it can be a nice thing if several people loved the pet too. Also consider a pet cemetery, these provide a sense of dignity and permanence that may even be a better choice then the one I made with the urn. 

Most importantly, take your time and make a decision based now on "your" emotional needs. Your pet is now on the other side waiting to see you again some day, and is most likely not even remotely concerned with how you deal with their body. Do what "you" think will give "you" the most comfort. 

8. What should I tell my children?

A pet is a perfect way to not only teach your children about compassion and love, but also about death and dying, the mortality of life. Tell your children as compassionately as possible, the truth. Let them come to grips with not only the grief of the loss, but also the realization that we all must one day pass through that gate known as death. I do not recommend telling them it was put to sleep, or "gone away" or any such lie as this. 

Your children will respect you more when they are grown an reflect back on this, if you give them the chance to deal with life as it really is, not sugar coated fantasy. I am not saying be "brutal" about it, no, be truthful, but caring in your explanation. 

9. Will my other pets grieve?

Short answer, "yes". Pet's bond with one another, even dog to cat. Though they may not "know" the other pet is deceased, it "will" notice one less set of footsteps in the house, it will wonder where the other has gone and wait patiently for their return. When they fail to return, they will worry and miss their companion. Be sure to show your surviving pets affection and attention. They need comforting too. 

10. Should I get a new pet right away?

I do not recommend it. Think of it like this, if your child died would you immediately go out and adopt? Most of us would not. Take some time to come to terms with your loss, grief is not something easily dismissed or negated. Be fair to your new would-be pet and let some time pass. I also caution against getting the "same" breed. It just would simply "look" too much like your lost companion. You may find yourself saying things you said to your lost pet, you may even accidentally call it the deceased pet's name...

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Dogs Health Tips

You folks might have noticed on the front page of this site, a cute little miniature schnauzer named Bitsy. This is my little baby I have had since a puppy. Pretty much the best behaved, intelligent pets I have ever owned.

Bitsy is 10 years old, and has been my best friend and constant companion. She has had trouble in the past with fat lumps that sort of looked like cysts but were not. 

One day I noticed lumps appearing on her face. They grew alarmingly fast, much faster then the previous lumps I have seen on her. 

We took her to the vet immediately and he determined it was a swollen lymph node. First thing the vet did was take a blood sample, then a sample from the lump. When the results came back our hearts sank when he told us it was positive for lymphoma cancer... The big C...

Living in panama city Florida, the nearest place that was qualified to properly diagnose and recommend treatment was the small animal clinic in Auburn AL. So we immediately took her there. After the initial examination we were given three choices:

The L-COP protocol

modified Wisconsin

Chemotherapy with serial half-body radiation

They each have pros and cons. Overall response rates and median survival times are similar: About one year with treatment.

The first one the L-COP protocol is relatively inexpensive and easy to administer. There are only a few drugs involved, so incidence of side effects are low. This drug combination as a solitary therapy has a bit lower remission rate (70-80%) and shorter median survival time (6-8 months) then the modified Wisconsin protocol, or the half body radiation.

Also the first one makes it harder for any "rescue" therapy to work due to tolerances.

The second one, the modified Wisconsin is a bit more complicated, using the 5 most effective drugs against lymphoma in a cyclic fashion, which also makes it more expensive. It has a very high remission rate (>90%) and the length of the first remission is longer then the protocols that use fewer drugs. Survival time is still around one year though.

The half body radiation has virtually the SAME survival and remission rate, but only takes about half the time to administer. The downside is you need to be near a place with the radiation equipment (hard to find) and is more expensive.

We opted for the modified Wisconsin. They found a vet in my area qualified to administer the drugs, so we were able to return home.

A few important notes about Chemotherapy in dogs.

There is virtually no side effects. Pets do NOT suffer from chemotherapy like humans do. Why? because the goal of the therapy is to cause remission for a year, whereas in humans the goal is typically 10+ years. So scaled to comparison, the dosage is MUCH smaller then a human gets, thus less side effects.

We are on week three of chemo for Bitsy. She has suffered no ill side effects, still plays barks and enjoys life as usual. She DID get a cyst on her back, but antibiotics cured that right away.

For those of you saying "I won't put my dog through the suffering of chemotherapy" you are dead WRONG. Bitsy is NOT suffering, and I thank God I did this for her. She is happy, and now I get to have her around a lot longer then I would have without it.

Doing nothing, in the vet's opinion, she would not have lived but maybe another month at best.

I hope Bitsy's story helps you make up your mind about lymphoma cancer treatment. It is not a hardship to the pet. No hair loss, no appetite loss, it's all good so far. Don't let your pet suffer and die if there is anything you can do about it.

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